Defensiveness is a natural reaction when we feel criticized, but it often causes more harm than good. John Gottman, a well-known marriage researcher, says that defensiveness is one of four issues that predict divorce. Letting go of defensiveness allows for personal growth, healthier relationships, and a calmer mind.
Understanding Defensiveness
Defensiveness occurs when we perceive a threat to our self-worth. Nigel had agreed to call a plumber to fix a faucet. Jane asks Nigel, "Did you call the plumber to fix the drip in the basement sink?" Nigel responds, "I was busy at work and I was away last week. If it was that important, you could have called." Nigel feels he is being criticized and attacked. He is defensive, makes excuses, and attacks. He feels upset with Jane. Jane feels Nigel is turning on her. An argument might develop.
Defensiveness can take the form of making excuses, blaming others, or counter-attacking. It may protect us momentarily, it defends us. But it prevents us from solving issues. Defensiveness blocks communication and drives people away from us. It also makes us upset, it triggers our sympathetic nervous system.
The Impact of Defensiveness
Being defensive blocks communication and makes it hard to listen and understand others. It creates walls that prevent us from seeing different viewpoints and learning from feedback.
The Power of Letting Go
By letting go of defensiveness, we show we are willing to be vulnerable and open to feedback. This creates a respectful and understanding environment where everyone feels heard and valued. Healthy relationships depend on honest communication and the ability to address issues constructively.
Strategies to Overcome Defensiveness
- Notice your triggers: Reflect on past interactions to see patterns. Knowing what makes you defensive helps you manage your reactions.
- Take a deep breath: Defensiveness is often automatic, and a deep breath gives you time to act purposefully, not automatically. It triggers a calming response.
- Listen actively: Focus on the speaker's words and emotions. Don't interrupt or plan your rebuttal while they are talking. Try to understand their perspective and respond with empathy.
- Accept responsibility: Instead of dismissing feedback, take time to think about it. Find the truth behind the criticism and accept it. Nigel could have said, "I am sorry, I didn't call the plumber, I will do it right now."
- Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself and accept that everyone makes mistakes. You are not perfect. It's important to try to do better.
Benefits of Letting Go
Letting go of defensiveness will improve your relationships. It promotes discussion based on trust and respect. It reduces criticism. It helps you grow and develop. By accepting your mistakes, you can improve what you do. You become more adaptable and resilient.
Letting go of defensiveness also reduces stress. Defensiveness is exhausting. Letting it go reduces anxiety and tension and brings peace and emotional freedom.
